Too Much Free Time

Too Much Free Time is the pilot episode of ''Blasted Buffoon Brawls. ''It was released on November 1, 2019.

Plot
The first day of high school changes a kid's life in ways not expected for the average teenager (according to all the movies and parents).

Transcript
6:55 AM.

“Voltaire, get your ass out of bed! The bus is coming in five minutes!” my mom hollered. “THE ONLY REASON I’M STILL GOING IS BECAUSE OF YOU!” I shouted back. To this, she grabbed me out of bed, gave me some salami, and kicked me out of the house. Shit, I didn’t even get to change my clothes. Ah, well, I’m sleeping half the time anyways. But considering it’s the first day of high school, my impression wouldn’t be so good.

At the bus stop, I saw my old friend Tony. “Hi Tony!” I shouted. The fog was clearing. This man said “Yo, wat up, hound dawg? You saw the new track I produced yo?”. The same man who told me last year that his parents won’t allow him to bring his phone to bed. And now he’s a whole gangster I suppose. He took out a rather strange device. “Since when did you start vaping?” I asked. “And why are you not vaping?” he retorted. “We’re still minors who haven’t even started ninth grade yet. If you want to vape, I think you should wait at least a few more years. And why are you bringing it to school?” I asked. Tony facepalmed.

“Bitch, this is high school, and you all know what teenagers do. Remember that fire the valedictorian started last year in his Chemistry class?” Tony responded. “Oh yeah. I was so thrilled when I heard that.. We’re actually going to light up wood to see their chemical properties!” I said, forgetting the topic. “Yeah. He lit up a cigar.” he said. “The principal released a statement saying it was wood,” I stated. “Dumbass. What kind of school would want their valedictorian convicted of drug use and threatening the safety of others using them?” he said.

I just stood there, looking at the bus, which was approaching towards our stop.

“Indeed. And we’re going to keep pushing the boundaries! Teenagers rule! By the way, have you seen my new track? ” Tony replied. “Not yet. What’s your username?” I asked. “It’s [insert generic username i’m too lazy]. But it’s only a 30-second clip. For the full version you gotta pay $2.99. The artist has to be supported, y’know what I mean?” he reasoned. I stood there, silently. Then the bus came, ready to turn me from a gamer whose console recently broke down to a proud citizen of our great country. Yeah!

I saw the building of transformation from outside the window. I looked at my schedule and started crying tears of joy. I have all these electives. Philosophy! Finance! Italian! I will be such an intellectual soul! Those days of trying to reboot my console after it shuts down for some stupid reason are OVER! I WILL BE A PRODUCTIVE CITIZEN INDEED! “Okay, we’re at school. Get out,” the bus driver said.

I walked into the building and saw my old damn fool friends from middle school. Except, something’s off. Something's really f****** off.

“Hey, Dave, how’s it hanging? Sorry I couldn’t game with you the past week, my console broke,” I apologized. “Hanging? What the actual f*** did you just say? You are referring to the death penalty, an absolutely abhorrent method that ought to be abolished. How dare you insult me!” Dave said angrily. “Woah, I didn’t mean to offend you,” I said. “No! Go to...oh wait, hell doesn’t exist...go back to middle school, you illiterate conservative shit,” Dave started screaming. What is going on? My friend for the past eight years is yelling at me. “I don’t agree with the death penalty as well, you know. It’s just an expression,” I gave my final shot. His expression changed into a smile. “Cool! I’m happy you can stand my edgy political humor” he said. “What period do you have lunch?” I asked. “Sixth,” he replied. Yay!

Cut to first period. Philosophy. I expected to see...I know this is a school, but still...some Greek artifacts. In fact, when I first walked in, the stench of ramen noodles hit me. Oh boy. “Greetings, future philosophers, my name is Mr. Kingdom, what are your names?” the teacher said as I entered his class. “George,” one of the fools said. “Nancy,” his disgraceful excuse of a girlfriend then said. Then Mr. Kingdom made eye contact with me. Probably because I wasn’t even wearing new clothes for school. “You? What’s your name?” Mr. Kingdom asked in my direction. I heard a few chuckles. Then I spoke.

“My name is Voltaire,” I responded. “Voltaire? This is quite an interesting name. Who were you named after?” Mr. Kingdom responded. “You teach philosophy, shouldn’t you know who he is already?” I said, pretending to be offended, while actually trying to shut him down to prevent further conversation in front of the class, which was chuckling their asses off. “I know who Voltaire is. He was a very free controversial speaker, who was repeatedly arrested by French authorities,” Mr. Kingdom explained, “does it relate to you in any way?”. I was silent. It’s something I never really thought about. I speak in any situation, but something prevents me from saying it. So these damn fools call me a weirdo. Hmmm…

As he went over the contract we had to sign, because apparently philosophy is a VERY DANGEROUS field of study, I got my hair pulled. “What do you want?” I asked, annoyed. “Yo, I know you smart as f***, hit me up with tonight’s homework and I’ll give you a gram,” the kid behind me asked. “A gram...of what?” I asked. “Trees,” he grinned. “Mate, this is the first day of high school, I’m not going to get in trouble for dealing drugs” I reasoned. “F***ing loser,” he responded, and pushed my head straight into my table.

“Okay, blasted buffoons, class is dismissed,” Mr. Kingdom said. I moved past all these periods, to...lunch. Lunch is perhaps the greatest source of tomfoolery on this planet. I saw Dave again and we found an empty table. “Today, we are going to call this place ‘The Damn Fools,’ Dave proclaimed. Then, two random older kids sat next to us. “This here is my piece of shit older brother Justin, as well as his friend Andrew. Together, we can establish this new republic in our table,” Dave said.

“I shall be the leader of this fine place, as my liberal view is a perfect representation of our liberal community. And for the record, ANDREW IS NOT MY FRIEND! Conservatives like him must be put in prison,” Justin proclaimed. “Shut the f*** up you shitface, you are literally just as conservative as me. In fact, the only thing that separates us is that you appeal to all the ‘humanitarian’ popular girls!” Andrew retorted. “Woah there, I was the one that campaigned to prevent the police from arresting kids that were suspended for drug crimes. I am just as liberal as the Soviet-f***ing-Union,” Justin reasoned.

Suddenly, someone approached the table. “Y’know, the only reason why you supported it is to hop on to the trend. Wait! This was when Chad got expelled for carrying that, and you wanted to prevent him from getting arrested to impress your crush! Which is also Chad’s girlfriend!” this person said. “Who the f*** are you?” Justin asked. “My name is Jack, and I’m ready to expose you, bitch,” he responded.

“This makes perfect sense. No wonder you were crying when Chad got allowed back in and the first thing he did was kiss his girl, right in front of the entire school! You should’ve seen the look on your face when you saw that! Unforgettable!” Andrew laughed. “No..no! That is absolutely NOT what happened!” Justin reasoned, getting quite tense. “Okay, okay. That was all in the past. My brother is quite the cringey individual, we all know his antics,” Dave said.

“No! Jack, you f***ing loser, you must apologize!” Justin ignored, screaming at Jack. “Apologize for what? Speaking the truth?” Jack replied, mockingly. Then Jack looked at me. “You look like a controversial, blasted buffoon! Join me, and together we can defeat this damn fool!” Jack exclaimed. “Uhh…,” I slowly exclaimed. First day of high school and I’m getting into a fight, holy shit. “You better not, freshman, or I’ll get the principal on you,” Justin threatened.

“Can you guys actually stop? And stop using f-bombs Justin, we are still fourteen!” Dave said in a final attempt to calm things down. “Yes, this show is rated TV-14, consistent usage of such words is a disgrace,” Andrew concurred. “Shut the f*** up, you were the first one to start saying it. And all censored swear words shall be spoken with a dolphin chirp,” Justin responded. “Stop referencing SpongeBob. Fan-fiction isn’t allowed here,” Andrew said. “Indeed, but there is an exception for Nickelodeon fan-fiction,” Justin responded. “Are you associating this with SpongeBob? That masterpiece series should not be associated with this piece of shit show that just talks about how high schoolers are the most pathetic individuals on Earth! High school shall be quite great for us!” Dave said.

“Not really,” Justin, Andrew, and Jack all replied at the same exact moment.

Lunch really isn’t all that bad. Then, the bell rang. I had to go to History. “Okay class, I hope you all completed the summer vacation assignment,” my history teacher said, before even saying Hello. Shit! I thought it was due next week, I haven’t even started it! The hand of the person in front of me appeared, asking me for something nonexistent. “Did you do it?” the person asked. “Um, not really…” I replied. “Damn fool,” the person shook his head. Eventually, the teacher collected all the assignments. “There are thirty-five kids in this class, yet I only see thirty-four assignments. Did anybody forget?” the teacher asked. My heart sank.

“Voltaire!” the person in front of my blurted out, and the whole class started chuckling. “What were you doing, loser, writing SpongeBob fan-fiction?” Tony, who happened to be here, asked mockingly, to which the whole class basically exploded in laughter. “H-how could you?” I yelled at him, my eyes getting red. “THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT LISTENING TO MY TRACK!” Tony yelled in response. “Your track is f***ing ass!” I said. The history teacher just stared at me. I ran away amidst all what was going on, into the school bathroom. I felt an immediate wave of smoke. I went into the stall and finally released all my tears.

After the whole sad session, which shall not be described due to the 100% slapstick tone of this series, which hasn’t been in fashion since the 90s, I went on my phone. I remembered the online chat Dave set up. What was the name? Damn Fools? Blasted Buffoons? Uhhh...I don’t really know. He never sent me a link to it. Eh, guessing won’t hurt. “Blasted Buffoon…” I typed, and found a server. It had an unusual logo, I must say. But that’s Dave. I clicked on it.

Shit. Wrong server. The latest messages aren’t from Dave. Some random “Bill” and “Joseph” and “Freddie”. And these messages are degenerate, even by Justin’s standards. I was about to leave, but not before looking at some of the glory.

 ...

I decided to stay.

Trivia

 * This episode was greenlighted, written, and released in five days. Don't expect that for future episodes mates.