User blog:Mrs Chanandler Bong/The Best of Bong 2017... so far

Hello I'm Mrs Chanandler Bong and welcome to Just Call Me Bong, the series where I do anything I want. Today I'll show you what I think have been the best moments in my blogs from January 1st to March 31st... and a little bit of April as well. Welcome.

Also I thought I might as well try and engage a LLAU so let's copy-and-paste another LLAU announcement that got one answer.

LLAU will be back next week so I thought I'd ask you guys a question for the next season. There will be another question every episode so look out.

So anyway, last time it was really funny so let's do this again: Make up your own Pokémon! You will need to include a typing, ability, name, evolutions if you want it to evolve and four moves that it'll be able to learn, as well as a biography about the Pokémon. Leave your answers below and you'll get featured in LLAU Season Four... that rhymed.

Welcome to the Best of Bong.

​January
It's like two hours till New Years so Happy New Year. Hope you stay up till two and endulge in alcohol-infused activities involving fireworks, crazy straws and making up New Years' resolutions, which you'll give up on five weeks later.

Less memey, more dreamey.

I could say "F*** 2016" but no. There's ebola vaccines now, solar-powered planes having freaking world trips, a lot of death rates down globally, mind-controlled robot arms... It's not as bad as you think.

Happy New Year. I leave you and 2016 with this: ​

There's a vaccine for Ebola

Solar-powered planes the whole world over

2016 is amazing

David Bowie died. (oh)

Toys 'R' Us making special exceptions for autistic kids

Leonardo DiCaprio won a freaking Oscar, yes

See, not everything is bad in 2016

Celebrities died, but many people survived

Who would've died

Do you see what I mean?

[No applause.]

Bong: Talk about an icy reception. Heh.

Bong: So, I'm gonna be revamping this pretty much completely. Same characters, however there will be lots of differences in story. I'm gonna make this just a bit more quirky and try and make it interesting rather than being some weird-ass sitcom set in Mars.

[No laughter.]

Bong: ...Alright, so my second main priority is probably Krazy vs. Life. I'm gonna write proper bios for the characters, and even start my own wiki for it. Um, this will be my second actual wiki. I'll have to move some stuff from Censorship F*non and here to there, but it's kind of exciting to actually fully fledge-out the episodes and stuff. So yeah, that's pretty much it for this year. I'm still working on the Krazy vs. Life video games, I'll publish the page for that in Summer sometime probably. Fanonverse Funkos are gonna be updated a bit... ..So I have not much to talk about actually. I don't know why I signed up for this.

[No laughter.]

Bong: ...Really? My blood, sweat and tears go into every joke, every clip -- That clip from Martianlovers took freaking ages and me and... and the gang put so much effort into it--

Martianlovers-Obsessed Fan: Yay!

Bong: ... F*** this.

​List of January Blogs

 * A New Years blog (quotes #1-#3)
 * Short blog about Sannse being our lord and saviour (quote #4)
 * "2016 in a nutshell" by Jessica Plz (quotes #5 and #6)
 * Me desperately trying to make a LLAU
 * My Fiction Foundry Con announcement (quotes #7 and #8)

​February
I was really overwhelmed with every birthday message I got, thanks guys

Squirrel #1: Hey, hon, do you think we'll get any inheritance?

Squirrel #2: Like what?

Squirrel #1: As in, scrilla. The means. Riches. Top dollar. Cash. Money.

Reverend Squirrel: Damn... her own family doesn't care about her as much as I do. I'm sorry, Muriel. You were a damn good lover, though.

[The two children hear, and when Reverend Squirrel realises this, he mouths "shit" and shoos them away.]

Reverend Squirrel: Shoo, you furry rascals!

[As soon as they leave, Reverend Squirrel continues to mourn.]

Reverend Squirrel: I'm a reverend, messager of the beliefs of God. But at times like this I begin to wonder. Does God really care? Is he even out there? What's the point if what I've been preaching about all my life doesn't exist? Jesus Christ!

[He knocks over a chair.]

Reverend Squirrel: No offense.

Auntie Maria: That's bulls*** and you know it, Jimmy. Now give me one of those and scram!

''[Auntie Maria nabs a cigarette and, dropping the packet, Johnny and Cameron run to Maria's car. As Maria starts to light from the cigarette, the bush starts to go up in flames.]''

Auntie Maria: Huh, why's that happening? ...Ohh. Oh, damn.

''[It is revealed that all of the cigarettes in the dropped pack have been pre-lit. The flames start to cover the screen.]''

Auntie Maria: Oh, those little motherfu...

[The flames quickly take over the whole screen, making Auntie Maria's face no longer visible.]

SQUIRRELS

​

This is Mrs. Chanandler Bong, author of Krazy vs. Life, Gender-Flipped and terrible question blogs, but you can just call me Bong. Wait scrap that

Seriously wat they're two minutes late on airing the award ceremony what the hell? Apparently cheese adverts are more important. Damnit ITV

So, British Artist Video of the Year nominations are typical - Little Mix, One Direction, James Arthur, Zayn and wait Coldplay? I'm voting for them

"That is gonna be a tough choice" nope Coldplay

The bands go head to head with Bruno Mars performing--

oh wait it's a advert

MOTHERF--

an advert for the BRITS album in the BRITS award ceremon-- WAIT THERE'S AN ADVERT FOR THE NINTENDO SWITCH FRICK THIS

nintendo has finally resorted to making their actors dab.

OH COME ON ANOTHER BREAK I'LL BREAK YOU LIKE A KIT-KAT EMMA

anyway outburst everted it's back now

"If David Bowie could be here tonight he probably wouldn't come here tonight"

Michael you d***

He's accepting the award but most of it is just making jokes. Wow Mike

The 1975 start perfoming their most popular and least decent song. Typical but it's not a bad song. "The Sound" is a good enough track but...

THERE'S WEIRD PINK WORDS ARE COMING UP ON THE RECORDING WHAT THE HELL

"PUNCH-YOUR-TV OBNOXIOUS" "LACKING THE X FACTOR" "GENUINELY LAUGHABLE" "I ONLY HAD CHOCOLATE ONCE, AND I HATED IT" "UNCONVINCING EMO LYRICS" "DERIVATIVE POP" "CONTRIVED KNOCK-OFFS" "CRINGE-WORTHY"

Gotta love the effort put into this self-deprecating performance. Absolutely fantastic performance

"Time for a break" oh screw you emma

guess who's back, back again? dermot's back, b**** and it's the BRITS

They're so sweaty geez does it take that much effort to walk to the podium that's SPONSORED BY MASTERCARD

Adele throwing shade to the producers who made and filmed her video for the award - "this fake bush's behind me to pretend I'm somewhere nice"

"My brother Skep to the BB K to the world"

wtf are you saying m9?

Ed Sheeran performing for you Castle on the Hill, my favourite song that he's released so far. This song is absolutely fantastic and tells a really good story, without being boring. This is my favourite song of 2017 so far, even beating Gorillaz' new song. It's absolutely fantastic - an upbeat song that tells a story and even sounds as good live as it does recorded. It's great. The performance was a bit underwhelming, and the fact that he literally stopped the good song to sing his boring dancehall popular one. With an extra-s****y unnecessary rap verse from Stormzy cos hey, he's popular! Of course, but maybe it's not their fault. The people behind the BRITs wanted recognition so they just got the most popular artists and their most popular songs, no matter how much of a drivelling slog they were. The BRITs sucked this year, despite a few shining stars. Absolutely horrific direction for the presenters, crap songs and even the tribute felt half-hearted. 2016 was not just a horrible year for politics, but for music. Let's hope 2017 will be better. I don't care about Noel Gallagher. I don't care about the Icon Award, which Robbie Williams won, and the album award which is full of bland sloggy nominations, with the winner being David Bowie (wow), with his son Duncan Jones actually coming up to accept it that's pretty cool but I don't care. I'm not giving it up for Stormzy, Ed. I'm just giving up. Mrs Chanandler Bong out!

When you look up in any dictionary the phrase "quilty pleasure", this will be its definition.

Quilty pleasure (phrase; noun)
 * PUT YO' PINKY RINGS UP TO THE MOON

But the chorus is just complete nonsense, which doesn't even have a correlating theme. You made me a Starboy, G**damnit! I dunno.

Look what you've done /  I’m a motherf***in' starboy

​Also Weeknd seems to think that Star Trek has some sort of correlation to girls getting naked.

Star Trek roof in that Wrath of Khan / Girls get loose when they hear this song

​

Once I throw on this bow chicka wow-wow / What you gonna say?​*

​Yep. Only his girlfriend was cooler than him. But now everyone is. Seriously, if you think you and Lil' Wayne are gonna pick up girls with that pick-up line, you're way off. So, this dude, he had one hit song and some other moderately popular singles, but then he just dropped off the world. Who the hell is this guy? So he went into a club, and spent the money he got from that on s*** like prostitutes and Louis Vuittons. There was a DJ at this club, and to impress this famous DJ, who became famous right after he dropped off the earth, he decided that he should do something crazy. So he

​Took a pill in Ibiza / To show Aviici I was cool / And when I finally got sober, felt ten years older / But f*** it - it was something to do

​

Also, that beat's dope.

​Beh-beh-beh-beddabehbeh-buhdu-budh-budha-BUD-aaa

​So dope.

​List of February Blogs

 * Obligatory birthday blog (quote #1)
 * Nevermind I'm a f***ing idiot
 * The Squirrels pilot and first episode of 2017's Just Call Me Bong. Miniseries coming soon watch out (quotes #2-#4)
 * The obligatory New News BRITS special (quotes #5-#11)
 * The top-five list of the best hit songs of last year and second Just Call Me Bong episode of that year (quotes #12-#15)

​March/April
Yeah, I have nothing against Denmark. But I do have something against this raging egomaniac.

Something about that glory just always seemed to bore me

This is the first line of this song I hate. Out of many. The past few didn't make any sense, but this one is bulls***. You don't care about glory? Oh, yeah, is that why you put a crowd shouting your f***ing band's name (and your name and your past two album's name) in the middle of your song that's presumably about your deceased father, and keep it in during live performances? You absolute prick.

Something about that glory just always seemed to bore me

I only see my goals, I don't believe in failure / 'Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major

So now you want to be famous?

Soon we'll be thirty years old, our songs have been sold

I thought it bored you, you d***.

Lukas Graham!

F*** off.

Most of my boys are with me / Some are still out seeking glory / And some I had to leave behind / My brother I'm still sorry

Oh, so you went from not wanting glory and it boring you, which is fine, to leaving your brother behind for that same glory you s*** on before and called boring.

This a**hole thinks he can pretend that the song's about his deceased father when it's really a brag rap song but he's half-assedly singing it with a dreary piano in the background? Screw you, Graham. I expected much more from Denmark. And what I hate is that I like the last verse quite a bit (if it wasn't sung by this obnoxious clod).

STUPID LYRICS - Overthrowing the slime one line at a time

83. Prinplup [Generation: IV] [Type: Water]

Notable Prinplup I have used in a team: My Empoleon, who is now my highest-level Pokémon ever, from Pearl. Peter has been on my team forever, and was once briefly a Prinplup. Status: Evolved (Empoleon) but in my box as I'm using my secondary team.

50. Zekrom [Generation: V] [Type: Dragon / Electric] * MASCOT LEGENDARY; worth x4 more points for its type and generation *

Notable Zekrom I have used in a team: Forced to use one briefly in White but I might as well note it here for its silly nickname. I praise you, Sparkedarke. Status: Boxed forever.

Note: Fusions were not included in this list. Zekrom > Black-Kyurem.

19. Bronzor [Generation: IV] [Type: Steel / Psychic]

Notable Bronzor I have used in a team: On my initial adventure and main post-game teams in Pearl, is C-3PO. Also had one called Brian who was put in the daycare for two years and got me another one... geez. Status: Boxed Bronzong, boxed Bronzong and boxed Bronzor.

10. Krookodile [Generation: V] [Type: Ground / Dark]

Ten (or less) Words Explaining Why I Love It: Badass shades and making earthquakes.

9. Bisharp [Generation: V] [Type: Dark / Steel]

Ten (or less) Words Explaining Why I Love It: Best boss in PokéPark and scale-tippingly sleek design.

8. Goodra [Generation: VI] [Type: Dragon]

Ten (or less) Words Explaining Why I Love It: Gooey dragon with corrosive phleghm. Also surprisingly cool in anime.

7. Empoleon [Generation: IV] [Type: Water / Steel]

Ten (or less) Words Explaining Why I Love It: Peter's Hydro Cannon one-shots legendaries.

6. Beartic [Generation: V] [Type: Ice]

Ten (or less) Words Explaining Why I Love It: Icicle-crashing polar bear and best White team member.

5. Bronzong [Generation: IV] [Type: Psychic / Steel]

Ten (or less) Words Explaining Why I Love It: Ancient depressed Chimecho with some amazing psywaves.

4. Ferrothorn [Generation: V] [Type: Grass / Steel]

Ten (or less) Words Explaining Why I Love It: Damn, that's a bulky venus fly trap.

3. Chandelure [Generation: V] [Type: Ghost / Fire]

Ten (or less) Words Explaining Why I Love It: This is Halloween, this is Halloween. Halloween, Halloween, Halloween...

2. Scizor [Generation: II] [Type: Bug / Steel]

Ten (or less) Words Explaining Why I Love It: Anime-haired ruby-red metal mantis. Enough said. Mega looks robotic.

1. Skarmory [Generation: II] [Type: Steel / Flying]

Ten (or less) Words Explaining Why I Love It: That isn't enough. (I'll do a blog on this later.)

​List of March/April blogs

 * Vote announcement for my starter in a Pokémon game
 * Stupid Lyrics episode about Lukas Graham (quotes #1-#3)
 * Post your custom cursors here if you want
 * A Just Call Me Bong special listing my 100 favourite Pokémon (quotes #4-#8)
 * This one

​Conclusion
So thank you for reading this far. I'm gonna make a schedule of my series so you guys will know what to expect cos it's been a rocky schedule for the past half-year or so. Here you go. Please note that if I have to do an announcement because of Fiction Foundry Con or something that it will replace whatever's scheduled, and the alternating series on Saturday will reset its schedule. Mrs. Chanandler Bong out.
 * "He has no style, he has no grace. This Kong has a funny face."
 * —Franklin D. Roosevelt